Coming to Terms

The Portland Marathon is 40 days away.

For the last six months or so I have been preaching my goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.  I would say to people that I would absolutely be pleased with just finishing my first marathon.  But inside I knew that wasn’t the case.

3:14:59!  It’s the only number that mattered.  That’s the time I needed to post to qualify.  Anything more than that I would have been disappointed.  Yes, I know how stupid it sounds.  But when you are so focused on something it doesn’t matter how ridiculous it sounds, it’s the only thing that matters.  So I based my training plan on that number.  In fact, I built my plan in a way that said I could go sub 3:00:00.  In my first marathon.  And even though I’ve only been running for less than 18 months.

Guess what happened?  In fact, if you’re a runner (and odds are if you are reading this that means you are) you know exactly what happened.  My body fell apart.  My training completely came off the rails.  I haven’t completed a full week of training in over a month.  Many times just completed a single run is a challenge.  No matter how much I eat or sleep I always seem to feel tired.  Most importantly, it stopped being fun.  In fact, it almost got to the point of being something I didn’t want to do.  The inner dialogue I was having between this goal I wanted to achieve and the mental and physical crappiness I was feeling almost became too much.

The ego can be a bitch.  It can put you in situations that cause you to do very stupid things.  First thing you have to do is check that bastard at the door.  I knew if I was completely honest with myself that what I was doing was stupid.  I was letting my ego get the better of me.  My ego had convinced me that the success I had earlier in the year could be expanded into areas of running that I really had no business going…at least not yet.

I love the movie Cool Runnings (note to self, need to watch again!).  One of the best scenes is this one:

Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without one, you’ll never be enough *with* one.

Derice Bannock: Hey coach, how will I know if I’m enough?

Irv: When you cross that finish line tomorrow, you’ll know.

Sometimes just crossing the finish line is enough.  It took a while, but I’m coming to terms with that.  I’m going to run a freaking marathon!  Less than 1% of the population can say that!  And just because it’s going to take me an extra 15-20 minutes to do it should’t detract from that accomplishment.

This change in inner dialogue has been going on for a couple of weeks.  I really missed having run when I ran.  Or at least not feeling that it sucked.  It was really hammered home to me during Hood to Coast.  I had so much fun.  Yeah, it was tough.  But I enjoyed it.  Yeah, my body still hurts.  But it’s back to me loving that feeling.  I think it’s the difference between putting yourself through pain to reach a goal that is attainable and doing the same thing for a goal that you had no business setting in the first place.  Sometimes the journey itself needs to be the goal.  Last year was not about me getting to a specific weight.  It was about the journey to become a better, healthier person.  I need to treat this marathon, and all future goals for that matter, the same way.  It’s about the journey and what you become from it.

So, tonight I will be joining my Hood to Coast teammates at the track for Team in Training practice.  This will be the first time I’ve joined them.  I’ve already gotten a few emails from people saying how excited they are that I will be joining them.  According to the training schedule I will be doing Yasso 800’s.  And I’m going to enjoy every damn one of them.

Happy Running

Lonnie